you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
