We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
