I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
