I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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