I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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