We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
And then he peed in my hair
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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