1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
