My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize