There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize