My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
