OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
