Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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