I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
