just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
