Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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