sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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