The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
