If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
