Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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