so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I could fuck to npr.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
