Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
