there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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