i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
