This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
