you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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