He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
