Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
