I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
