I feel great
I just peed on a car
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Randomize
