My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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