Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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