i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
