In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
