my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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