PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
