Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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