God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
