I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
