Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
this hospital has no fireball
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
