I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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