Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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