Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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