im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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