Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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