just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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