Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
