The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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