On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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