FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
