Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
