my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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