fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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