Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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