I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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