I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
