Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
