The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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