Umm I'm too high to move.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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