This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
