last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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